The mental health check in series – because mental health matters.

I decided to start this series for a few reasons. One being to get my feelings and thoughts out in a healthy way. Another to keep myself accountable and self-reflection. Last, so others know they aren’t alone in their struggles. For me, the worst part of mental illness is feeling completely alone.

Lately

When it rains, it pours. That’s the saying, right? Whoever created that phrase wasn’t far off. Right now I feel like I’m in a giant snowball rolling uncontrollably down a mountain, the load of my anxiety getting bigger and gaining momentum as each day passes. What I struggle with is releasing my anxiety and facing it head on before it turns into a shit storm. Which is why I’m currently in the middle of a shit storm.

There isn’t one big thing that has been getting to me. It’s the accumulation of little things and medium sized things. Worries over finances, finishing my bachelor’s degree with no financial aid, trying to love my new body after birthing three babies, finding a career that offers remote work so I don’t have to put my kids in daycare, finding myself again, being a good wife, mom, sister, daughter. Folding. The. Damn. Laundry.

The list goes on but no one should know every negative thought that comes into my mind.

Staying home with the kids is especially difficult with two of them being under two years old. Benny is the fussiest baby I’ve ever had, Penelope is navigating her independence, and Jack is nine going on nineteen. I love my kids. I love being a mom. It’s just hard. Add debilitating anxiety on top of that and you get… me. :’)

I find myself crying randomly throughout the day and my heart pounds out of my chest until I feel like I can’t breathe. Every time I get the dreaded rejection email from a job I was genuinely excited about, my heart drops into my stomach and the waves of self-pity wash over me.

As far as my career search goes, I’m so lost. I have so many interests and passions. There are jobs I think I would be great at, but I don’t feel confident enough that I would be able to land those jobs. I never feel good enough for what I actually want. But I don’t want to settle into a job that I hate. I’ve heard some people say that it’s not important for them to have a career they love, to them it’s only money. I’m not like that. If I’m spending eight hours a day away from my family, it needs to be something worth that time.

More than anything I need to learn to adapt and start using coping mechanisms I’ve learned over time. For the most part I think I’ve done well in managing my anxiety in recent years. But since struggling with postpartum depression, I feel like I’ve gone backwards.

Ways I’m Coping

Although I’m not doing a great job at being consistent with anything right now, there are ways I’m trying to manage this extra stressful time.

Exercising for at least ten minutes a day is one of my biggest goals and usually the most challenging to achieve. Whether it’s going outside and walking or pulling up a workout on YouTube, I want to move my body. It releases so much for me and I’m able to think clearly. Yoga has been especially great because it helps me physically release emotions that are bottled up.

A major goal of mine, since childhood, has been to write a book. I have loads of imagination and creativity, so writing has always been a wonderful outlet for me. Every once in a while, maybe a couple times a month, I try to close my mind off to everything else and write. Even if it’s a story that gets erased in the end.

Every morning, instead of pushing for productivity first thing, I allow myself enough time to enjoy an iced coffee and scrolling on social media. I have a love/hate relationship with socials but giving myself time to mindlessly scroll before getting to work has helped keep a balance.

These may not be perfect ways to manage my mental health, but for now, this is what I can do and it does help. Maybe therapy will be an option when I finally find a job… cue stress rash over job hunting. I’ll check in soon.

Resources

Mental Health Matters

To Write Love On Her Arms

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline