When I was going through each of my miscarriages all I could think about was having a baby. The desperation grew nearly everyday. Friends of mine were having healthy pregnancies with no problems and even though I was happy for them, I was angry. The throwing shoes in the closet and screaming at the top of my lungs type of angry. It felt like it was never going to end. Then our rainbow baby was born.

Penelope

Penelope Quinn arrived on September 19th, 2021. Exactly one year after my fourth miscarriage. She felt like a dream. Her squishy cheeks and fuzzy head were the epitome of perfection. I had a difficult time putting her down because I didn’t want to miss a single thing. The first couple of weeks were hard, but I felt good. Then the anxiety slowly started to set in.

As someone who already struggles deeply with anxiety, I feel like I should have seen it coming, especially considering how anxious I was during my pregnancy. When I came down from cloud nine it was like my every fear came to surface level. I was constantly anticipating something bad to happen to Penelope. Dreams of car accidents and head injuries were nightly.

The trauma of my miscarriages mixed with losing my own dad at a young age had significantly impacted my day to day life in ways that I wasn’t expecting. I’d always been fearful of losing loved ones, but the fear had never been as debilitating as my postpartum anxiety. About five months later, just when I seemed to be coming to a balance, I took a positive pregnancy test.

Benny

Finding out I was pregnant again so soon after having Penelope, I was a wreck. I went through all my options. Cried for weeks. This wasn’t what I wanted. My world revolved around being pregnant since November of 2019. Exhausted doesn’t come close. But I chose to do what I felt was right for me, even if it felt miserable in the moment. I knew if I had ended the pregnancy, I would hate myself for it later.

Disclaimer: I do not judge what others choose to do in these situations. My situation is that exactly – mine. My choices aren’t a reflection of what I feel is right or wrong for others.

It took several months for me to be okay with the idea of having another baby. When Benjamin was born in October of 2022, I felt my family was complete. Even now I have a difficult time picturing my life before he was born. But, just like with Penelope, his arrival came with extra baggage. This time much scarier than anything I had ever experienced before.

Benny hasn’t been an easy baby. From the get-go he was colicky. Always crying and fussing. Up until recently I had been sleeping on the living room couch with him so he wouldn’t wake everyone else in the house. In the beginning, I would get maybe two hours of sleep. Postpartum depression set in quickly.

Postpartum Depression

This was very different than postpartum anxiety. The thoughts that crept in are ones I don’t like to talk about, but I know I’m not alone in this. One good thing about social media is the community I found in other momma’s that have gone through similar experiences. Postpartum depression, to me, was like constantly feeling like the worst version of myself. Almost like a split personality. I knew I would never do things I thought of, like hurting my kids. Even though Benny cried, I didn’t really blame him.

During the pit of my depression, I went into a spiral of guilt and shame. Thinking about the babies I had lost and everything my body had been through. How could I be so miserable when I got what I wanted? How could I possibly be depressed? Pathetic. Weak. Disgusting. Worthless. This is how I spoke to myself everyday.

I can’t say exactly when the clouds started to part for me. It was like I came out of the fog and realized I hadn’t had an intrusive thought for a while. Truthfully, I do think a lot of what’s helped me is my journey of self-care. Whether it’s my reading, skincare, or checklists, I don’t know what the kicker has been. I just know that faithfulness to myself has saved me.

This has been my experience with motherhood after miscarriage. Pregnancy loss is devastating and I almost gave up hope. One would think that when I finally had my rainbow babies all my problems would be solved, right? That’s not how grief, trauma, or mental illness work. By no means am I 100% happy or stress free now. I struggle daily. The difference is now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We’re human. We aren’t immune to grief or depression. But, whether it feels like it or not, the darkness won’t last forever. The sun always rises eventually.

Postpartum Resources

Check On Mom

Nurse-Family Partnership

Bloom Foundation